


It isn't a dream anymore

by Luina



Series: Advisor to the 501st [2]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Dominant Rex, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Making Out In Public, Mental Health Issues, Relationship Issues, Rex Needs Therapy, implied Fives/Kix, implied bi Fives, insecure Rex, rexsoka
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-21 09:55:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30019995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luina/pseuds/Luina
Summary: Ahsoka comes back as an advisor to the 501st, and she and Rex are finally together.But Rex has a hard time adjusting to it. His insecurities haven't gone anywhere, and they threaten to ruin their relationship completely if he doesn't get a hold of himself soon.
Relationships: CT-7567 | Rex/Ahsoka Tano
Series: Advisor to the 501st [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2208321
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30





	It isn't a dream anymore

**Author's Note:**

> I intended for "Would she come back if it weren't for me" to be a stand-alone work, but I realized it wasn't over. I wanted to explore the way mental issues can get in the way of a relationship even when everything seems perfect.

_The dreams that haunted him the most were about pure happiness and bliss._

They weren’t dreams anymore.

Staying behind in a corridor after everyone would leave the mess hall to go on an urgent assignment and catching Ahsoka’s hand while no one sees, Rex had to remind himself every time — _this wasn’t a dream anymore._

Making sure they were the only ones on the bridge before a briefing session and kissing her —

_Wasn’t a dream anymore._

Having his arm wrapped around her small body as he’d wake up, quite inappropriately, not in his quarters —

_Also wasn’t a dream anymore._

It even came to a point when he was tired of this constant need to remind himself this was their reality now. When she came back as an advisor to the 501st and he revealed his feelings for her, not even hoping she’d return them, but she did, he became the happiest man in the whole galaxy, or so he believed.

But after the initial wave of emotions, the first few days, he started questioning himself yet again.

Was it really happening?

_Was it really not a dream?_

Sometimes he would even forget. He was way too used to being the grumpy Commander Rex, always hiding his feelings and forever regretting his decision to turn Ahsoka’s feelings down. Then, it would come back to him, as if something had snapped in his brain — no, it’s not true anymore, she’s here now, she has forgiven him, and she loves him.

The hard part was that there was no one he could go to for reassurance. His brothers could not know about them, and the General — well, no matter how well he had played his part as a matchmaker for Rex and Ahsoka, he would probably not want to hear his Commander’s whining about this.

There was only her, and she was almost always busy.

The advising job may have been just a cover-up to bring her back, but she took it very seriously. She was now almost equal to the General and she’d spend most of her days in his office.

But her nights...

Well, frankly, not much had been happening at night. Even though Ahsoka and Rex were now sleeping together, so far, it was _literally_ just sleeping.

**(the day Ahsoka came back)**

Rex broke the kiss — he didn’t want to, but he felt like he had to. Ahsoka, with visible confusion written on her face, tried to reach out to him again, but he held her still, pressing his palms to her shoulders.

"What’s wrong?" she asked.

"Should we really do this? Have you considered the consequences?"

She frowned.

"Not this again, Rex."

"I’m serious. We’re putting ourselves at risk by doing this."

"No, we’re not."

Now it was Rex’s turn to be confused.

"I’m not a Jedi anymore", she explained. "I’m a civilian, and you can be involved with a civilian unless it affects your performance as a commander of the 501st. As far as the GAR concerned, I’m no different than any girl you’d hook up at the 79’s."

Rex nodded slowly, taking it in, but then added, "I’ve never done that, by the way. Hook up with a girl at the 79’s, or anywhere, for that matter."

Ahsoka smiled and raised an eyemark at him.

"So what happened to the "experience outranks everything" mindset? Why didn’t you get some?"

"The only person I’ve ever wanted to get that experience from wasn’t available", he shrugged.

His honesty was really moving. Without breaking eye contact, she moved closer to him again, taking his hands off her shoulders and placing them on her face.

"She is now. She is yours."

Rex groaned at those words, closing his eyes and kissing her again. He knew he shouldn’t. He knew he didn’t deserve her.

But the images from his wildest dreams came rushing to his brain and his body. Yes, she was here now, and she was at his mercy. He could take her right there, up against the blood-smeared durasteel wall, he could make her scream like crazy, letting everyone — his brothers, the General — know she was his. Marking her as his.

Let them all be jealous of what he, a mere clone, could get while they all couldn’t.

But Ahsoka had a different idea in mind. Without breaking the kiss, she started walking backwards, leading them to his bunk, simultaneously unclipping parts of his armor and letting them fall to the floor. Finally, she sat them down on the mattress. He instantly regretted, for the first time, how rough those mattresses were — not for his sake, but for hers.

The upper part of his armor was already gone, and so Ahsoka pulled at the hem of his shirt, removing it too, leaving his chest bare before her.

And then, suddenly, Rex froze.

Any arousal he had vanished instantly. He felt terrified, uncomfortable. He wanted to cover himself, but he couldn’t even reach for his blacks beside him. He couldn’t move.

"Rex?" Ahsoka’s voice sounded concerned. She met his gaze and was surprised to find pure dread in his eyes. "Rex, what’s wrong?"

"I can’t," he managed to whisper. His throat was completely dry, every word was physically painful to get out. "Not yet, at least. I’m sorry."

She quickly handed him his shirt. He stared at the black fabric in his hands with confusion for a moment and then started to put it back on clumsily.

"No, it’s me who should be sorry", he heard her say. "I should have asked you if you wanted to do it."

"I… did. I don’t know what happened. I guess I just don’t know what to do. You’re the one with experience here."

Ahsoka let out a chuckle.

"I’m not, actually. I’m just as clueless as you are."

"But… you seemed so sure."

"It’s because I imagined this so many times. Every time I’d touch myself for the last three years, I’ve been thinking only of you."

The thought of her pleasuring herself made him hot with desire again. She definitely noticed that, and her hand reached out to touch him there, but his fingers closed around her wrist, stopping her.

"No." He said firmly.

"We don’t have to go all the way tonight, Rex," she assured him, "but let me tend to you, please? You’re so tense, I want to take the edge off."

"I’m serious, Ahsoka. I can’t give you this. Not yet, at least."

"Alright," she nodded. She tried to hide her disappointment, but to no avail. Great. Just great. Everything he does seems to upset her. "I don’t understand, but I will try to. Can I at least stay here with you tonight? I promise I won’t do anything. I just want you to hold me. Is this okay?"

He considered it for a moment.

"Yes," he said, but quickly realized it sounded like he was doing her favor, "Yes, please. I really want you to stay here."

Her face lit up.

As they lay together in his bunk, his head resting between her monthrals, he tried to understand why was he such a disappointment to her. But for now, she seemed alright, purring his name against his covered chest, so, maybe, this would be alright.

It wasn’t. He was fine with holding hands, kissing her, and sleeping beside her, but anything else would become a complete failure every time they’d try it. What bugged him the most was that he still had those fantasies about having sex with her, and they were the ones helping him get off when he was alone, but with her…

It was like there were two different Ahoskas. The one inside his head, who’d tend to his every carnal desire, and the real one, who he did not dare to touch.

Or perhaps — more likely — there were two Rexes. And the real one was very insecure about himself — his body, his inexperience, his whole existence — it didn’t matter how many times the real Ahsoka would tell him that he was perfect for her in every way.

That was one more reason to remind himself it wasn’t a dream. Everything was just so messed up. He couldn’t wrap his head around it.

One day, they were in a training session with the men — honestly, just an excuse for everyone to watch at their former and their current Commander sparring. It was always quite a sight.

They didn’t have any weapons and, as a rule, Ahsoka wasn’t allowed to use the Force on him. Thefight was long, excruciatingly tiring, and Fives, Echo and Jesse had already bet money on who would win.

"It’s gonna be Rex, obviously," said Jesse, "She hadn’t had any real combat practice for two years straight."

"Are you kidding? Commander Tano’s going to win," Echo insisted. "It’s _her,_ after all."

"I just think they’re gonna fuck right here before they finish the fight," Fives stated shamelessly.

"FIVES!" Echo screamed in horror.

"What?" Fives shrugged. "It’s been more than once I caught him with a hand on his dick, moaning, _Ahsoka… good girl, Ahsoka…_ And Kix told me that…"

"Shut your mouth, Fives." Kix muttered through his teeth.

"Yeah, Fives, shut your mouth," Jesse teased, "Or else Kix won’t open his."

Shouting obscenities, Fives jumped Jesse and started beating the kriff out of him. The clones shifted their attention from Ahsoka and Rex to them, booing and rooting at the same time.

Meanwhile, Ahsoka straddled Rex and, with a victorious smile, stated:

"I win."

Rex groaned, and with a swift, rough movement changed the position. He was now on top, her legs wrapped around his waist.

"No. I do." He said in a low voice.

"I can even say I don’t mind." She whispered with a grin.

"Quiet." He ordered.

Somehow about this whole situation had spurred him on. The line between a dream and the reality seemed blurred, and he was finally able to —

"Rex, what are you doing?" She asked carefully. She could definitely feel him getting hard against her, and she didn’t want to spook him after such a long wait. But they were in plain sight of a good chunk of the 501st right now.

"I want you." His fingers tightened around her wrists, pressing them to the floor. Rex leaned closer to her, tracing a vein on her neck with his tongue before pressing his teeth to her skin just a little. Ahsoka gasped in pleasure, but still managed to say:

"Rex, anyone can see."

"But nobody’s looking."

_Yes, he would take her now, in front of everyone, and all of them would see how good he can make her feel, how loud she can scream beneath him. Just like in his dreams._

" _Rex,_ ** _no_** _._ "

The coldness of these words sent a shiver down his spine. They echoed in his mind, and he wasn’t sure if she’d actually said them, or imprinted them into his brain with the Force. Either way, they had a sobering effect on him.

No, this is real.

He is actually doing this in real life.

Desire vanished from his face and was replaced with horror. In one swift motion, he let go of her hands and stood up.

How could he do this.

He’s repulsive.

"Rex, wait—"

He couldn’t hear what she had to say, he sprinted out of the room, unable to look at her right now.

He locked himself up in his quarters, didn’t go to lunch or dinner that day — he just couldn’t risk her seeing him like this. He considered, getting a speeder and go to the 79’s, but that would mean having to actually leave his room and possibly see his brothers — they were still on leave, and they would probably go there for a drink.

And it wasn’t like he didn’t have a Plan B in place. In the far corner of his closet, there was an old bottle of whiskey, covered with dust. It was given to him by Cody upon his promotion to Commander, so he knew it should be good.

He didn’t even bother with a glass — he just opened the bottle and took a huge gulp.

It didn’t take him long to drink half of the bottle, and he had to sit down, because his vision started to blur and his head was spinning.

He was properly drunk, but it didn’t take the feeling of self-loathing away. If anything, it multiplied it. How dare he lay a finger on Ahsoka? No, it was more than that. How dare he try to have public sex with her in front of his brothers?

He was so fucked up, he should be sent for reconditioning.

She wanted intimacy with him. She wanted him to be gentle and caring. And the best thing he could do was subdue her, nearly force her to have sex with him?

If the General had heard about it, he’d probably decapitate Rex on spot, and would be right to do so. Kriff, if any of his brother had actually seen it, they wouldn’t let him get away with him.

But she didn’t.

He didn’t deserve her. And he was a complete di’kut to ever think otherwise.

He heard a knock on the door.

"Go away." He roared.

"Rex, it’s me."

Ahsoka.

"Go away!" He repeated, louder this time.

"Rex, I need to talk to you." She pleaded.

Well, he might as well do it now.

He stumbled towards the door, and opened it, letting her in. To his surprise, she wasn’t mad. Instead, her eyes were filled with concern.

Those damned eyes…

No. He had to do it. He had to be strong.

She walked towards his desk and sat on it — just like the day she confessed her love for him. Even her body language was the same.

Suddenly, he saw the sixteen-year-old girl again. The thought made him flinch.

"Rex, I think we have a problem."

 _Oh yes._ ** _We_** _are a problem_.

"I want you to know that I love you, no matter what you give me in return. I’m okay with us not being physical — if that’s what you want. But today… you scared me, Rex."

He bit his lip. Maybe she’s going to do it herself?

"I think you’re not being completely honest with me. You were bottling it up, and whatever happened… happened. But — so what if you like to be a little dominant? I can live with that, I can like that. You just need to be honest with me."

"You want me to be honest?" He spat out.

"Yes."

"Alright. The truth is that decided to have a relationship with a defective clone who can’t even get it up, who can bear your touch and can’t even take his clothes in front of you, and the only condition he is able to do all this things if he’s being a sadistic monster who won’t stop at anything, even hurting you."

Ahsoka looked at him in shock. She was clearly unable to speak, so he proceeded.

"You should have known what you’re getting into, but you did it anyway, so I guess, I’m not entirely at fault here. But that’s it. It’s enough. I’m ending it."

"Rex, what are you…" she stopped, coming to a sudden realization. "Rex, are you drunk?"

"I most certainly am, but that’s not the point. You won’t get what you want from me. If you so into clones, go hit on Jesse, or Fives — I’m sure, Kix won’t mind, but this — this is over."

"Rex." She approached him, tears in her eyes, and reached to cup his face. How the foul smell of alcohol did not repel her, he didn’t know. "Please, stop. Let’s sober you up. Or let’s go to bed. Please. Tell me what you want, I’ll do it."

"I want you to leave." He said firmly, trying to not pay attention to how soft her hands felt against his rough skin.

She dropped her hands, as if all the life force was sucked out of her.

He’d hurt her, once again.

He just hoped it was for the last time.

He thought it was painful when she was gone, but he was so, so wrong. It’s been a week since their last conversation, and every day, he had to see her. She seemed to be doing alright, but he was a mess.

His brothers could tell something was off. When he’d come to the mess hall, everyone had stopped talking. Before that, he’d always sit at the same table as Fives, Jesse, Kix, Echo and Tup, but now he was always alone.

At first, he would often stumble upon Ahsoka there. He wouldn’t leave, he’d even try to eat something to put on a show, to pretend everything was normal. But after two days, the’ve learned to avoid each other.

He snapped when he saw her laughing.

It was in the common room where he’d come to pick up a holopad. And she was there, along with three brothers.

They were making her laugh.

She had moved on from him.

He stormed out of the common room, not even caring about making a scene. This time, he couldn’t even reach his room. He collapsed on the floor in a corridor and finally broke down.

Tears were streaming down his face, hot and salty, making him want to howl in pain. He brought a hand to his face to wipe them off and noticed his knuckles were still bruised from _that_ day. It was unbelievable how much had happened since then, and how royally he managed to fuck it all up.

"Hey, vod." He heard a voice. He lifted his head and saw Kix. "You’re having a tough time?"

He held out his hand and helped Rex get up.

"Let’s get you to the med bay."

"I don’t want to go to the med bay. I want _her_." He blubbered, aware that he sounded like a whiny child.

"I know, I know." Kix patted him on the back. "But you’re no good to her like this."

At this time, Rex didn’t have the energy to question Kix how he knew about them.

For once, he just wanted someone to do everything for him. For once, he didn’t want to be in control.

He let Kix lead him up all the way to the med bay, sit him up on a bed and run whatever tests the medic’s heart desired.

When they were done, Kix said to him:

"Look, I’m not gonna pretend that I don’t know what happened. Frankly, I’ve known about it since the first time. And I always thought you skip psych evaluations way too often. But this… this has gotten out of hand. When I saw you with her during practice—"

"Wait, you saw that?" Rex interrupted him.

"Well, it’s not like I’ve never seen Fives and Jesse fight. Your stuff was more interesting. Rex, you need help. Ahsoka told me everything, she asked me to help you. To give you the treatment you’re so obviously lacking. And I’m gonna do it."

"So what, you’re a shrink now, too?" Rex scoffed, trying to ignore the fact that _Ahsoka still cared for him. No, he ruined that. And that is for the best. He’s never going to hurt her again_.

"I prefer the term _therapist_ , but yes, I have this kind of training. And this time, you’re not getting out."

"I’m a lost cause, Kix."

"Ahsoka doesn’t think so."

His heart skipped a bit. How could she not give up on him after everything he’d done?

"You two are wonderful people and you deserve happiness. But it’s not gonna happen with a snap of your fingers. It needs work."

"Listen, can you just give me something…"

 _So that it wouldn’t hurt so much,_ he wanted to say.

"Nuh-uh, no pills for you yet, sir." Kix shook his head. "Some calming tea, perhaps. Oh, and you’re staying here tonight. I’m gonna have to watch you closely for a few days."

Late at night, he lay without sleep in the empty med bay. He couldn’t stop thinking about Kix’s words. They gave him just a hint of hope, but a hint was all he needed. And he was beyond terrified of that hope.

"Hey." He heard a gentle voice call out to him. He lifted his gaze to see her.

"Hey." He replied.

"I missed you." She said simply, with a sad smile.

"I missed you too."

More than she could ever know. Or couldn’t she?

"You’re going to be alright." She assured him, running a hand over his cheek. He kissed the tips of her fingers cautiously. "And I’m going to be by your side."

"Can you stay with me tonight?" he asked, gesturing towards the chair next to his bunk.

Just this once, could he wish something for himself?

"Of course I will."


End file.
